Surfing the Wave

Surfing the Wave of Depression

Current mood:accomplished

I chose to ride the wave…walk the path…go where the wind blows…etcetera etcetera and so far this journey has led me here. Here is a place of many blessing and many lessons learned.

To name a few, here are the most important ones:

I have a master’s degree now.

I have the job I want with a new company that I do believe I will enjoy working for.

I learned a lot about my self and how I handle sever stress. (It’s not pretty.)

I also learned who my friends are – and how they handle a very stressed out Anna.

I learned I have a serious fear of commitment. I can’t even commit to a hair color! Fortunately I’m good with change. Even I know of the impermanence of life and all it has to offer, this life is constant change which is why I have no problem catching the waves it presents me. 

The fog of depression seems to have lifted… it was situational. But I knew that. I’m still doubting and struggling with my faith. However, the very thing that led to the depression (grad school in one year) has also introduced me to new faiths and places of learning/worship. I’ll check them out and see where that goes.

So, the wave has crested and I rolled up on shore a bit battered but better off for having taken the ride. 

One of the things that make’s surfing so much of a challenge is that every wave is different. Which wave have you been surfing lately?

ms 5/13/09

There is Always a Choice

There is Always a Choice

Some people seem to choose to be miserable –permanently. Whatever their reasons are they seem to prefer to spend their life in a wretched state. I don’t understand this. Is it their path? And if it is – who in hell would choose to enter this life with the plan “to be miserable”? I suppose we want to experience everything as we travel in and out of lives…but misery seems to be a part of the human condition – something to overcome. Why would you choose it for your life plan… and once we’re here why would you continue on that path? You are given free will- this means you get to choose and even choose again if your first choice was less then desirable.

I work with the bereaved, many of whom are bereaved parents. This is my life calling – and yes, I am free to choose a different path at anytime. However, I am happy to help those who are experiencing the darkness and pain of grief to find their way to light and happiness again. And yes, it is possible to find light and happiness again after your child has died. I did. I know many who have. I’ve sat with them in the darkness and witnessed their healing. I’ve had the privilege of witnessing their transformation from blinded by despair to seeing the light and learning to actually live again.

Those who find happiness have chosen to do so. They know the secret…sometimes I have to tell them the secret but most of the time they figure it out on their own. The secret really isn’t so secret, it’s just that no one wants to discuss death or anything associated with it (it’s very taboo). The “secret”… no one is getting out of here alive.

That’s it. It’s that simple. We will be reunited with our loved one someday…no need to hurry the process. Regardless of your beliefs – you will meet again. Whether that’s in heaven, hell, another life, the mothership…whatever floats your boat…whatever you believe to be next on the list of places to visit once you “shuffle off this mortal coil”. And while you wait for your transition, you might as well enjoy what this life has to offer you.

Just as there are a multitude of reasons to continuing living there are a multitude of reasons to be happy. Grief is the most selfish human experience I have seen (besides mental illness…and that’s an entirely different story.) Some of the reasons to continue living are the very same reasons to choose happiness. Your living children for instance, choosing misery over happiness tells your living children that they do not matter as much as the one who died. It teaches them in order to get your attention or to “make” you “happy” they too must die. … this is not a lesson I want to teach my children. It’s a warped perspective, but this is the reality for children who are raised by people who choose misery. (Look it up there is a lot of research out there on child who’s parents are depressed.)

Living my life is reason enough to choose happiness. I will die one day. I will meet my son again. And in the mean time I choose to live a less selfish life and be happy-  for my living children as much as for my self. And I’m certain my deceased son is happy that I chose happiness while we wait patiently for our reunion.

Is that why so many people choose misery? They believe it is the selfless path? What kind of screwy logic is that? Depression, misery, grief… they are all so painfully selfish. And not just painful for the person who chooses it but painful for those who love them as well. Have you ever tried to love someone who was deeply depressed… how painful is that? Like smacking your head repeatedly into a wall – on purpose. Grief is a natural human experience but at some point you must put the mourning aside and choose to live again. … why can’t they see that?

Ah. Well, I suppose it isn’t in my personal lesson plan to understand the motivation of others to remain miserable. It is in my lesson plan to overcome misery and be happy despite the pain life can throw at me. It is in my lesson plan to live an unselfish life. It is in my lesson plan to live happily ever after – whatever may come. At least that’s my choice. 

ms 5/15/09

Solitude

Solitude

By Ella Wheeler Wilcox

.. ..

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;

  Weep, and you weep alone.

For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,

  But has trouble enough of its own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

  Sigh, it is lost on the air.

The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

  But shrink from voicing care.

.. ..

Rejoice, and men will seek you;

  Grieve, and they turn and go.

They want full measure of all your pleasure,

  But they do not need your woe.

Be glad, and our friends are many;

  Be sad, and you lose them all.

There are none to decline your nectared wine,

  But alone you must drink life’s gall.

.. ..

Feast, and your halls are crowded;

  Fast, and the world goes by.

Succeed and give, and it helps you live,

  But no man can help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure

  For a long and lordly train,

But one by one we must all file on

  Through the narrow aisles of pain.

ms 8/4/09

Work in Progress (WiP)

I am a WiP. Seeking to be a better me. Currently I am working toward being completely honest with myself. I'm very honest (to the point of being criticized for it) with everyone else however, I tend to deny things related to myself that I'd rather not deal with. "Denial is my favorite coping tool." I'm getting rid of denial and having the uncomfortable conversations I would have normally dismissed and facing the hard facts rather then pretend there is another option.

This is proving to be a painful process.